Objection Section! Work is on the top of our dirt list this week

Joan from Mad Men. No crying in the break room.

1. Experts. I hate it when a co-worker calls you an “expert” or a “guru” at something you’ve done once. Pleeezzz. Flattery will get you far, buddy, but it won’t get me to do your job for you.

2. Work meetings. Considering the economy and everything, the last thing we need is another pointless meeting where we decide nothing except when to meet next. Instead, how about we all sit at our desks and get something done?

3.  Tattletales and Hall Monitors. You thought you lost these people after grade school, but nope, they’re in your office complaining to your boss about your alternative work schedule.
 
4. “Talent management” programs. Seriously?  Don’t make me sit through a training session to learn a bunch of meaningless jargon about job performance. You know what would motivate me to work hard? That cost of living increase I didn’t get last year.  How much does it cost to implement this “program”? 

5. Office kitchen nags. I had a mom. I left home so I wouldn’t have to hear about how mice or ants are bound to attack because some crumbs are on the counter. And how do you know they are my crumbs? Like I would ever use that filthy toaster oven!
 
6. Fair weather office friends.  Don’t get all personal and chatty when you need to ask me a work-related question. We both know you ignored me at the water cooler last week. Be consistently pleasant or be consistently aloof, at least I’ll know what I’m dealing with.
 
7. Cleavage. Hey, this is an OFFICE. The last thing I want to see are your boobs in the elevator. I know fashion sucks right now, but that’s no excuse to let it all hang out in some clingy jersey dress that hasn’t held up in the wash. Just wear khakis and pretend-fancy t-shirts like everyone else.
 
8. Memos from the top. Do we even have to explain why? You can’t fool me by saying how great everything is going despite recent “challenges”. It makes you sound like a cheerleader who knows the team is going to keep losing all season but has to stay super peppy because that’s the only reason she got on the squad in the first place because she isn’t exactly the cutest girl in school.

STINK EYE: Please do not look me up and down like we are in eighth grade and I am the new girl. I WORK here.

We are the first to admit that we don’t hit the mark every day at the old office. Some days our outfits don’t make a lot of sense. Our skirts form static cling relationships with our tights without our consent. Some days our hair is super frizzy. It’s not like we are in charge of the humidity. But this does not give you license to give me a full head-to-toe sweep with your beady little judgmental eyes upon encountering me in the hallway. This is not a football game and I am not some girl from your rival high school trying to flirt with your running back boyfriend. You can’t intimidate me by looking me up and down. It just makes you look stupid, like that’s the only move you ever learned to assert your “confidence”. And if you think you have adjusted this maneuver to the adult world through your gift of subtlety, well, sorry. God’s talent basket was clean out of subtle the day you came along with your hand out.

Lazy Broads vs. Little Nuts of Dough

What’s so bad about doughnuts, you ask? Well, nothing if you have one bite. But if you are like me and inhale your doughnut at record speed in between gulps of coffee, your day is pretty much in the can. You’ll feel the exhilarating 15 minutes of sugar-inspired motivation, and then stomach burning indigestion for the rest of the day.

 

You tell yourself you took one for the team, it was a birthday, it was a party (albeit an office party), or that this doughnut is going to be the last dessert of the week. But let’s not kid ourselves. Doughnuts are the gateway drug for Lazy Broads. They lead to a long string of break-time minutes spent in front of the foggy glass of the second floor vending machine in a desperate attempt to get back to that sweet, sprinkle-colored high.

 

But if you casually try to joke, “Man! Enough with the doughnuts!” while patting your stomach in an exaggerated way everyone looks at you like you are the biggest party pooper in the history of the department.  I hereby think that petitions and legislation and amendments should be written to henceforth outlaw these doughy beasts from the workplace. Hell, Barack should get behind this if he wants the LB vote. I mean, you don’t see him eating any doughnuts.